Meine Zyrtles

Yay!

2012-02-17T17:55:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I visit the lab to have my bloodworks done.

If there's one thing that I value about myself is that I am never afraid of needles and dentists and doctors. Naks. Feels like I'm Superwoman, without the boots and the cape.

So far so good although university's getting stressful again. But I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining since I'm down to my last four terms and I'm done. Yay! Finally. My second degree is almost there :) Hehe. I'm gonna be done with this whole business of collecting degrees.

But definitely, I'm going to attend graduate school. I'm going to get a PhD. :)

:)

2012-02-10T23:13:00.002-06:00

Mukang hindi lonely ang February ko.

:)

Alam na!

Thank you Lord, in advance :)

Sigh

2012-01-16T22:14:00.000-06:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in my mind.

In my mind when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

You will always be my boo

2012-01-13T22:35:00.001-06:00

I wanna push you around and drag you down.

2012-01-11T22:59:00.001-06:00

Fitness

2012-01-08T21:12:00.000-06:00

Belly dance, here I come!

Due to my eternal search for the perfect work out that would flatten my gut permanently, I thereby conclude that it would be best for me to enrol in a fitness class.

Actually, my first choice was swimming. But then again, I missed the registration period.

My friends are all taking Zumba classes. I would love to join them but my class on Wednesdays ends at 5:30 and zumba starts at 5. So there's no way I'm registering for that class.

My friends in Manila were all, well, surprised that I was one of those work out junkies who cared too much for their figure. I've been skinny all my life, until four years ago when hormones kicked in and I started gaining weight. Now that I'm 25, I need to flatten my stomach. I am not getting any younger. Might as well take care of myself since my chances of getting dates and meeting someone else are going downhill from here. I might be praning but forewarned is forearmed, right?

Goodbye and Thank you 2011

2011-12-31T17:52:00.001-06:00

2011 has been awesome. Lots of learning experiences and lots of successes. This has been the kindest year so far. The best and probably the most memorable.

So what awaits me in 2012? The Mayans reckoned that 2012 would be the last year. But I don't think so. This is just the beginning of great things in store for me. I can feel that this is going to be another great year.

I met good friends and interesting people in 2011. I have learned to be independent and I've learned to fend for myself. This is also the year I started moving on and admitting to myself that I can live without a significant other. In fact, being single seems to be a great blessing for me.

This is also the year in which I fulfilled one of my life-long dreams. I learned to speak and to write in Spanish. Ancient Greek is coming right up so watch for it :)

This is also the year in which I regained my ability to sleep peacefully in two years. God is good!

This is also the year in which I admitted to myself that I have a crush on the religious scholar. Sad to say, the feeling isn't mutual.

I am so ready for 2012.

:)

Living

2011-12-22T23:13:00.000-06:00

So my going home for a visit this summer is postponed yet again. But I'm not complaining. Because I'm gonna learn Ancient Greek in the summer term. Yay!

I'm very happy with my degree course. Finally, I am doing what I want and I have friends who are all smart. Plus, they all came from different countries so my perspective actually broadens whenever I am with them. I absolutely love my stay here in Winnipeg. I am living the best days ever.

Last night, I hosted a dinner/hang-out in my apartment. We had a blast. Too bad we didnt take any pictures but we had a great time playing Wii. So much fun. Plus, I met a new Chinese friend. She tagged along with Christina.

How I wish days like this stays forever. But alas, nothing is permanent.

So being the single girl in the group, conversation topics regarding relationships naturally find their way to me. One asked if I am in for flings. And if I am, I should accept that hockey player. I am not in for flings and that hockey guy is not the one. Of course I did not say this. I actually find it amusing that things like that are openly discussed here.

Oh well.

Sino ang birthday girl? :)

2011-12-17T23:23:00.000-06:00

Fall term's over again. Jai ho!

I'm still waiting for my final grades in my two other subjects. Sana naman this is it!

So now, I got nothing to do but wait for another term. So far so good.

I can't believe it. 25 na ako. Ang tanda ko na. Everybody's getting hitched except poor old me. But that's the least of my problems because I got better things to do than settling down. Not at this time. Siguro mga five years from now. Oh gad. I am nearing my 28th year. Yun pa naman ang target ko for getting married. Mukang hindi matutuloy.

Pretty soon, I'm going to worry about the ticking of my biological clock. Or the wrinkles around my mouth. Or the reality that I'm getting old alone while my friends are getting married. Pero I would comfort myself with the truth that I got what I wanted - a career and a happy life.

This is by far my happiest year and I thank God for that. I am single, happy, and semi-independent in a foreign city. I got friends, I got my life, and I am so damn happy everybody wonders why. Ako din e. Bakit nga ba ako masaya?

Oh well. At least, I am happy.

Here are some of my pictures of my birthday dinner at Tony R's bistro.

12 years too late

2011-12-12T20:52:00.001-06:00

So after 12 years, 12 long years. He finally reached out.

Lord. And I am not swearing. I am really praying. Why now? Why now when everything's too late...

But to receive something from him, It's more than amazing. Even if it took him 12 years.

But there's no way on earth that we'll be back together again. It's over. Our time's over.

But thank you Lord. You are really good.

To see the companion of my childhood. Amazing.

So here's the original

2011-12-06T16:16:00.000-06:00

I found the original. Revival lang pala yung kay Annie Lennox.

This song is so haunting. One youtube member comments:

"this song scared all the other 80s pop artis back then...this song is way too powerful! it really hunts you in a way that cannot be explained, but only understood, I guess you really gotta hear it when ur heart just got broken. or not, but it really has a hunting melody and is one in a billion songs of the 20th century"

I agree.

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

The Language is Leaving Me

2011-12-05T16:46:00.000-06:00

I heard this song and I suddenly cried.

I don't know why I cried. I don't know the meaning behind this song but hearing this broke something inside me and then I started crying.

Mr. B.

2011-12-01T15:32:00.000-06:00

I just found out.

Before I say anything about it, I just want every one (well, everyone who's reading this blog) to know that i am not making this up.

Ok. I just found that a hockey player at the university likes me. Hahahahaha. Can't believe it.

And another tiny detail about him is that... He looks a lot like Prince W. He looks a lot like him that people call him that.

Should I start being feelingera? A la Princess Kate M. ba? Hanggang ngayon I can't stop laughing.

So that explains why I always catch him looking at me. Our eyes would always meet. I thought at first na wala lang. Pero yun pala. From September pa yun. Now I know.

I am flattered. Who wouldn't be? A classmate told me that he saw him gawking at me.

BUT. I have come to a point in my life in which I want more stability. I want somebody who'd actually want to marry me. Kilig is good while it lasts but I know that things like that won't last forever. I want a relationship, a meaningful one. I'm way over high school dramas and college horrors. It's nice that he's a sportsman, a tad good looking person at that but that's just it. I want somebody who has sensible things to say and who would respect me. And Im kinda afraid of jocks. Women flock them like crazy.

But the bottom line is......... Ang haba ng hair ko :)

Am I getting old or what?

2011-11-29T19:27:00.000-06:00

I actually signed up on Pinterest and posted pictures of stuff that I want and need for my wedding in the (not so distant) future.

Here's the link:

Jeizelle's Wedding Ideas

Now, if only God would send me The One, then everything would be all set. Sigh.

Am I marching on to spinsterhood? I hope not. I am too pretty to be a spinster.

:D

2011-11-26T21:16:00.000-06:00

This video, instead of making me emotional, makes me laugh every time I see it.

I guess this song goes out for sick people who like staying in sick relationships.

In Black and White

2011-11-16T21:46:00.002-06:00

Ani and I. Chillin' @ our New Testament class

I drew this crap using compass for my Visual Math class. Not bad, eh?

500 Days of Summer. Just brilliant.

Me taking picture of my shadow at the University of Manitoba. Pre-winter delight :)

Pa-cute. Me and my tired eyes.

Between Two Asians

2011-11-15T22:58:00.002-06:00

I actually feel bad for the ex girlfriend of my ex boyfriend. Imagine having a crappy love life and now a major problem besets her. Gee, girl. I wonder how could a person be so unlucky. I genuinely feel sad for her.

I actually think that she and I would have been good friends had we not shared a common denominator (namely: the ex). I actually like her as a person. But ex boyfriends are still ex boyfriends. And besides, I am not the type to be friends with the other women even though my lobster and I had broken off a long, long time ago. I actually feel icky. No way.

Ok. So I am planning to hold a dinner party for my friends who, alas, would be bringing in their own boyfriends. Gad. How horrible. Me, the single host and them - the happy, two-some guests. It's pre-Christmas celebration so I want it to be something special. I think the apartment's big enough for the five of us. Haha. Me the third wheel. Haha. How stupid.

AND AND

I almost turned a civil conversation between me and a Korean waitress at the local Burger King in to a screaming match. Duh. That's why I hate other Asians who can't speak passable English. I couldn't understand a gattam thing she's saying. So she gave me a dirty look. I gave her one too. Then she and another Korean started talking in their singsong voices using their own language. The paranoid side of me wanted to tear their head off but I remained calm and composed. After all, I wouldn't want to spoil my otherwise happy day just because a chinky-eyed girl couldn't enunciate properly. I swear to Jupiter I couldn't understand what she was trying to say. It was garbled and painful to hear.

Gad I wish I was Manny Pacquiao. I wanted to smack her.

Manny won

2011-11-13T00:20:00.001-06:00

He won but it doesn't feel like it. But still, it's a WIN. And I am very happy.

:)

Hacker

2011-11-12T09:29:00.000-06:00

Somebody has fuckin' opened my statcounter!

Whoever you are, well, fuck off!

I don't need stalkers as much as I don't need hackers who have no life of their own whatsoever.

This world really is swimming with peeves!

Rainbow Cat

2011-11-11T10:46:00.000-06:00

Have you seen the Nyan Cat on YouTube? Haha. It never fails to amuse me.

I like the original version and the Japanese Nyan Cat.

There are two variations of the Filipino Nyan Cat. I like the speedier one better.

Haha. The things people do.

Reality

2011-11-06T22:47:00.001-06:00

Ayt ayt!

Snowing outside already. I hate winter in Manitoba!

Murderously cold, like being in Dante's Inferno. But who am I to complain. Might as well enjoy it.

My birthday's coming up soon. Yikes. Veinte y cinco na ako. Six years na lang wala na ako sa kalendaryo.

I am in what the call, the marrying age. Pero look at me. I don't even have a boyfriend.

But then, who needs men when I am happy where I stand right now.

Gee. But I need somebody. I want to get married. I even have an imaginary wedding gown already. And I already have names for my future kids. Yun nga lang, I don't have a boyfriend.

But I'm not in a hurry anymore. Might as well enjoy being single as long as possible. I want my experience and fun tank to be filled up to the brim before I walk down the aisle. I want to be the best bride in the whole world. I want to learn to be happy alone before I commit. I want to be as healthy as possible before I even contemplate on entering another relationship. And that's exactly what I'm doing now.

I even plan to pursue my Ph.D. while working. I want to be a professor. I want to be a diplomat. I want to be successful, as successful as my grandfather.

Toinks. Back to reality muna.

Time for happy :)

2011-11-04T22:08:00.002-05:00

People

2011-11-02T20:00:00.003-05:00

They say that people who look good in black and white pictures are really beautiful.

I look good in black and white.

Therefore I am beautiful.

Haha. Oh well. Forgive my unflinching honesty. Coz I need to de-stress. Stress is written all over my face just because I have to meet murderous deadlines and an even more murderous oral story telling presentation sometime this month. How lucky can I get. Well really.

I just survived a presentation about the apostle Paul's activities in Thessalonica. And I even got applause from my peers. Haha.

Crap

2011-11-01T22:51:00.003-05:00

That D is a crap.

Imagine me walking towards him to collect my paper when suddenly he asked: "What is your name?"

DUH. Like you know me naman hindi ba?

Well then. I won't figure him out. He can go to hell for all I care.

I don't have the heart

2011-10-29T19:48:00.002-05:00

This song broke my heart. Such a sad, sad song.

Tea Party

2011-10-28T16:18:00.000-05:00

Yay! Monster week is over. Now I can chill.

I got a party to attend tonight. Tea party. Haha. For nerdy and formal Asians like me. It starts at 8 pm but it's not a problem because it's just on the 8th floor of my building. haha. Talk about living it up. I really am the nerd.
Bunch of Asians in my building. But I am the only Pinoy living in here.

Pero mas maganda yata kung wala akong kasama na Pinoy. My friends are all Japanese and Chinese. Two or three Pinoys only. And a white person. But so far I like the Chinese girl best. Yeah. Kahit Intsik siya and I have an inherent distaste for them, this girl is different. Nice siya. And so very classy.

Oh well. I am so horribly tired today. I wrote my test this morning and I think I did pretty well.

Remembering Dawson's Creek

2011-10-23T12:53:00.001-05:00

I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over. I want to know right now what would it be. I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over; will it be yes or will it be sorry?

2011-10-22T21:12:00.000-05:00

Remembrance ng one-on-one consultation ko with the scholar.

Whistle

2011-10-22T16:19:00.000-05:00

I'll be there one day and you will be right next to me.

Could this be it?

2011-10-18T16:43:00.002-05:00

I know. This is love.

:)

Chasing pavements

2011-10-16T15:33:00.000-05:00

Here I am preaching about moving on when in fact an itsy bitsy news about O** made Nickie Minaj's Super Bass a real life anthem.

Horrid.

But I must say that it wasn't like before. It doesn't hurt as much as before. The news has confirmed my greatest fear: that O** has found someone new.

I want to get over him. I mean right now. I just want him out of my life.

Maybe the reason is because I haven't found the one who'd make me forget. Take Donald. We'll have a talk about my research proposal this coming Tuesday. He doesn't know that I like him. Maybe if luck knocks once more, then this guy could certainly help me forget.

But horrors of horrors. Donald is a bit of an impossible dream. Well duh. I love complicating myself.

Letter

2011-10-14T16:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Albert,

What's up?

It's kinda weird to hear you saying sorry sincerely (well I hope it's sincere). Pero I must admit that it has taken a large boulder off my back.

I was telling the truth. I no longer think of you. I no longer wonder why you did what you did. I no longer speak of you. If this is forgiveness then by all means, claim it. I must have forgiven you long before you said sorry. Pero kailangan ko rin aminin na may sense of satisfaction din about you saying sorry. At least now I have the satisfaction of knowing that I have won.

So how does it feel to be a father? A husband? Look at you. You've matured. I do hope that you take this opportunity to right the wrong and do what you're supposed to do. I don't mean to sermon. It's just that everything about us is amusing. Oh wait. There was never an us.

Receiving your message was quite a surprise. Naalala ko tuloy bigla na sobrang kawawa ako noong tayo pa. Well, I cannot blame you for everything. May participation din ako. It was a mistake, you and I must admit that. But it was a mistake that led to many rights.

Sorry this is not a very organized letter. I was supposed to do a paper. So walang organization ang utak ko ngayon. But I reckon this cannot wait. Because I know you'll read my blog again. And I want you to read this.

Don't worry about people reading this. They don't know you.

What made you say sorry? What made you remember? I am curious because by all means, you should be very happy now. You must not think of past loves anymore. You have a family already. So I am assuming that your days are now filled with worries and happiness not connected with me or anybody from your past for that matter. So I am curious. What made you remember me? and what made you ask for an apology?

Funny how life goes. Had you done that three to four years ago I could've gone crazy. I was so madly in-love. But God has been good. He made me forget. And now I am happy. I'm in my best form.

So how do I see you? I see you as the greatest fall ever. In a good and a bad way. You put me through so much so now I know the value of people who love me. You wasted my love so I learned to save it for myself. I became smart. Look at the person I've become: somebody who'll make a good wife someday. Although I haven't found the one yet, I'm not in a hurry. I am sure he'll be happy to see me when the right time comes.

So whatever. Be happy and be content.

Jeiz

Let Me get what I want this time

2011-10-13T15:54:00.000-05:00

So, aaminin ko ba na in-love ako?

Hell no. Hindi ako in-love.

Ayokong ma in-love sa tao na alam kong wala akong pag-asa.

Pero aaminin ko, kinikilig talaga ako pag alam kong nagpaparinig siya sa class. As in super kilig na parang high school coed lang.

Pero no no no no. Ayoko na maulit ang nangyari dati. Super suntok sa buwan bilang taken siya at he's not the type that I should fall in love with. Nothing is technically wrong kung mamahalin ko man siya pero I don't think so.

I don't want to complicate things again. And I don't want to hurt myself again. Not now when everything's mine for the taking. I don't want to mess things up again. Basta ayoko talaga. So habang maaga, habang hindi pa ako tuluyang naiinlove, dapat siguro lagyan ko na ng limitation ang sarili ko. Which is hard kasi magpapatuo ako sa kanya sa research project ko.

Tas kanina, nagparinig pa siya. Duh.

And everytime I hear Adele's Chasing Pavements, I am reminded that indeed, I'm chasing another senseless and unreachable dream. Hay nako.

God please send me the one. Please. Please. Please.

You reap what you sow

2011-10-10T12:28:00.002-05:00

Think of me in the depths of your despair.

I think I'm turning Japanese (i really think so) lalalalalala

2011-10-05T20:18:00.001-05:00

Maybe I'm being too paranoid. Or I am overacting because, in truth, I like him.

Am I treading on dangerous territory yet again? I certainly don't want any more compromising situations nor any convoluted and complicated relationships.

I admit. I like him a lot. I like his intelligence and I like the way he look. But it is dangerous to like him. And to love him would be the death of me.

Shit. Why do I like being complicated?

I should blame my being a voracious book lover. I think too much. I repeat fictional love stories. I tend to replicate complicated and larger than real stories in my own life. I am a living fictional character. And I am not bragging. I really am a literary character in the flesh. That's the reason why I have interesting friends and an even more interesting life.

So back to business.

I tend to be attracted to complicated things. And I tend to attract complicated people, or at least people who will complicate things for me. This time, I think I am in for another ride.

Let's call him Donald. I am assuming that he likes me back.

Maybe because I am a smart Religion scholar who is not white. An Asian who is not in a Science department. That's why I tend to attract the attention of the powers. I am different.

Maybe I am just thinking too much. But I have to admit, I am flattered. It makes going to school a little bit inspiring. :)

Splurge

2011-10-04T18:26:00.000-05:00

I am 60 dollars poorer as of 3 this afternoon.

I bought - can you believe it? - a 4th generation ipod because I want to be happy. I was so darn unhappy the whole day. I was so fucked up. So I went to the mall and splurged.

This is the first time I bought something a bit expensive that my Mom doesn't know about. I am planning to tell her though. I won't and can't hide this. Hehe. I don't think she'll be angry.

Me, showing off my hand. LOL

Sing Song Voices

2011-09-30T23:17:00.000-05:00

Over Yahoo Messenger. Madz and I.

Oh Lord, don't let me be misunderstood

2011-09-30T18:48:00.003-05:00

So Madz has visited this blog site. Conyo daw? Haha. I am the last person you'd call conyo.

I am downloading Den brysomme mannen better known in English as The Bothersome Man. I have seen that movie in passing about three years ago. And I want to see it now. I had a hard time looking for this movie because I forgot the title. Oh well. The universe must have wanted me to see this movie again that's why I am here, downloading it.

School's been awfully good. And awfully busy too. Heck, I don't even have a life outside the university.

Duh. How am I going to find a boyfriend if I stay this way?

BTW

I can't quit listening to this song. Haha.

Please Let Me Get What I Want This Time

2011-09-29T20:34:00.002-05:00

Good times for a change
See the luck I've had
Could make a good man turn bad

So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
See the life I've had
Could make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time
Lord knows it would be the first time

Lovin' the New Facebook Timeline :)

2011-09-25T12:41:00.001-05:00

So, me and my friends were the first ones to have the new Facebook timeline. How cool is that?! :) Many thanks to my good friend, Dan, who introduced me to this piece of beauty. I daresay that Zuckerberg's team is the shit! I just love the new format. I love the new layout. I love everything about it.

It won't be open to the public until the 3rd of October so I am so happy that I got to try it first before everyone else does. It's so neat, I am telling you guys. Gotta love Facebook even more.

The downside is, it's quite easy to stalk somebody using this new format. Oh well. We can't have it all.

Here goes screenshots of my new baby. :)

Photo 1: Gotta love the Timeline section. You can even add a large cover picture to express your creativity. I chose Da Vinci's The Last Supper to accentuate my being a very happy Religious Studies scholar. Need to say more?

Picture 2:

Picture 3:

Picture 4:

Picture 6:

Picture 7:

Isn't neat? An online version of my own life, from the time of my birth up to the present. So cool.

Watch for it guys. You're gonna love it :)

Racist me

2011-09-23T16:58:00.000-05:00

Went out today after school to get some groceries. I spent a whopping 120 dollars for two weeks worth of food.

And I also bought some girly stuff. Cause I am a frikkin girl although I don't act like one.

My day could have been great if not for some stupid incident. Two Chinese girls insist that the taxi that was to fetch me was their taxi. The tall one was particularly insistent. I was ready to unleash my inner bitch if not for Manong driver taking my side, saying that I called him first and that the caller's name was Jeizelle. I gave the Chinese my mean look and slammed the door after I hopped in. Stupid. Mas maganda naman ako sa kanila. Duh.

I am so pissed off. Those darn people act as if they own the whole Manitoba. No wonder some people here don't like them.

Yes I am a gaddam racist. And so are they.

I particularly hate it when I am being mistaken as one of them. I am not Chinese or Korean. I am Pinoy. I am not being nationalistic nor patriotic. I just frikkin hate it because I don't like most of them in the first place. I got great Chinese friends but they are few and selected. Generally, most of them annoy me. Heck, I annoy them too.

So much for being a religion scholar. But can I help it? I am a person and I have my own prejudices too. And I don't think that reading and studying about every religion in the world would change that.

Jeizelle Sings the Blues

2011-09-18T15:57:00.003-05:00

I should be happy now. And I honestly think that I am. I feel so blessed.

But the thing is, sometimes, I get this feeling of missing the old times with O**. I miss him a lot. I really really do. But I have to force myself not to think of him because I don't want to repeat my mistakes in the past - of not moving on when I had to and of holding on for too long when I had to let go.

See? I am learning. I am not as dumb as other people have imagined me to be.

I know we lost it. I agree. I lost him and he lost me. Nobody won. And the truth is, even if my friends tell me that it was O**'s loss, I have never felt that I gained anything either. I lost somebody precious to me and no words of comfort can do anything about it.

So he's dating someone new. Someone who's less intelligent and less beautiful but it doesn't matter. I've been in this business for so long that I am sure that looks and smarts don't matter when it comes to relationships. We are all equal. We bleed and we cry. We win and we lose. As one movie says wisely: "You just put your self out there and hopes she likes you back". And Sometimes, they just don't like you back.

It's hard when you get dumped but it's even harder when the person who dumped you is the nicest and gentlest person you know. Countless nights I cried, fearing that I wasn't good enough and that I must have done something very wrong for such a good person to do this to me. But no. As time goes, I have realized that shit happens, that I am not a bad person and that I did everything humanly possible to make us work. I am sure he did too but the fact is, he doesn't love me as much as I loved him. And it's not his fault. I understand.

So where to now? I don't know. All I am sure of is that nothing lasts forever. Loneliness is just a phase that would soon be over. He may or may not come back but I comfort myself with the thought that once upon a time, we were together. And that he looked in to my eyes like there was no other in the whole world. Whenever I feel lonely, I just look over our old photographs and read his old e-mails to make me remember that I was loved. I look back but not for too long lest I lose my way again and not see what lies ahead. I am thankful for the past and for what it has taught me but I am also excited about the future and happy about the present because everyday, I surprise myself on how beautiful and capable I really am. I am very strong and I have my old experiences to thank for the wisdom and strength they gave me.

I am sure I'm going to find someone new, someone who really is meant for me but until then, I admit that I still love him. I still miss him. And I still pray that I be given a chance to be with him again.

Waiting. I am waiting.

Picture Therapy

2011-09-16T00:04:00.000-05:00

And because I had a great second week in the university, I have decided to celebrate it with some pictures and graphics that I adore.

View on. :)

Picture number 1: What I would say to the bitches from high school circa 2003 in our upcoming reunion:

Picture 2: Me being happy at a beach somewhere in Western Manitoba:

Picture 3: My new crush. The Hot Religion Scholar :) (I would be in deep shit if he finds out that I am hopelessly stalking him on Facebook.)

Picture 4: The drawing I did for my Visual Mathematics class using compass, calculator, and a whole shit of patience.

Picture 5: A Garfield comic strip with my name on it: (I know, I know, I cheated on this one but who cares!)

Mental gymnastics

2011-09-05T10:42:00.000-05:00

So here I am again, geared for another stressful year in the university. But this time, I'm going to have graduate courses. As in.

I want this thing to end. This is so lame.

But university here is never lame. Heck, it's so competitive. Been here since last year and I like to think that I'm getting better. I'm beginning to like Canada. I love how much it has helped me grow up and be independent. So right now, I'm planning to finish my course work in a year and a half rather than in two years. I want to work already. I'm still on the honour roll so I am sure it won't be much of a problem for me once I start looking for a job. I want to be a diplomat. Kinda hard to do but I want to be a frikkin diplomat, period. I am going to fight tooth and nail to get in.

It's three more days before classes start. Already I'm feeling nervous and giddy. Tee-hee.

Wish me luck.

Those songs

2011-08-25T19:19:00.000-05:00

We all have songs we associate will some people in our lives.

Haha. This is going to be fun =)

Here goes my list of songs for my exes.

SONG NUMBER 1: For the childhood sweetheart. Otherwise known as FVS. We met when we were barely out of kindergarten. We became close sometime in February 1999. Parted ways a month later for high school. He was twelve. I was twelve. Everyone thought that we'll date in high school. We never did. He married a town mate. They now have a cutesy-patootsy baby boy. Alas! the love that never was!

SONG NUMBER 2: For the very first ex-boyfriend. Otherwise known as JMLR. Grade school classmate. Was a friend actually. I said yes to him over the phone one night in May. I was fifteen. He was sixteen. The most good-looking person who ever fell under my spell. He now has a son. Not yet married, but in a relationship.

SONG NUMBER 3: For the love that should have never happened. Otherwise known as AME or the second ex. We shouldn't have met, darn it. But really, this was my greatest happiness turned my greatest regret. Took me half a decade to get over him. But everything's fine now. I have no news about him except that he's got a family already in the great Down Under.

SONG NUMBER 4: For the poor rebound guy. Otherwise known as RCG. Oh well. We still talk every now and then. Of all the men I have dated, this one took more than three years to get over me. Ah! If only love can be learned.

SONG NUMBER 5: For the one who I thought I was gonna marry. Otherwise known as JGM. Good gad. I really thought I was gonna marry him. Met the family. Everybody seemed to like me. A year later, everything went crashing down. I still love him. But I am moving on. We met in UP. Dated like there's no tomorrow. Learned so much from him. I like to think that he learned something from me too.

Cheesy post. Warning.

2011-08-25T17:23:00.000-05:00

Palaging ako yung naiiwan.

Sa isang relasyon na nagtatapos, may mas nasasaktan at may mas matagal mag move on. Ako yata yun. Palagi.

May bago na ang ex ko. So sa madaling salita, wala nang pag-asa.

Dito na yata talaga magtatapos ang mahigit sa dalawang taon kung paghihintay sa kanya.

Mahirap. Pero kakayanin. Ako pa? E lahat na yata ng butas kaya kong lusutan. Isa lang to. Marami pa naman sigurong darating na mas ok. Sana sa susunod na magsulat ako dito, mas ok kesa sa huli.

commercial break

2011-05-28T00:59:00.005-05:00

Hey. YOU.

I wonder why you take time reading my blog. Don't get me wrong. I am not angry. Nor happy about it. I am just, well, wondering.

So much time has passed, no?

Gotta be more like the adults. I am so amazed on how old we can really get. Now we are the grown-ups.

Truly. Bilog ang mundo. :)

The bona fide bestfriend

2011-05-15T13:14:00.004-05:00

I am quickly becoming the girl best friend.

I repeat. The girl best friend but not the girlfriend.

Is this an early sign that I'm not meant for marriage? I hope not. Because I want to have my own family. I want to get married.

But it seems that, at this point, I am the best friend to all sorts of men who would make great boyfriends or husbands. I am the perennial best friend who dispenses opinions and advise to make their relationships work. I have never been The One to anybody since three years ago. I am the spare, the friend who has time for dates and weekend getaways when the bona fide girlfriend cannot make it. In short, I am the sister type to every guy - single or taken - that I came across with.

It's funny how they sing me praises. It's funny how they mention how great I am, how beautiful, and how smart and how nice I am. I am the perfect girl indeed. But certainly, perfection is not a good enough reason for them to promote me to the preferred significant other status.

I changed because I though that in doing so, I could find a better person who'd love me. Well it did find me new people who I became friends with which is better than I could ever imagine but The One remains elusive. Darn.

But nevertheless, despite this lack, I am living the best days of my life.

Heck, these are the sanest and the most tranquil days I've ever seen. Ever.

Perhaps being single does this. So it's not so bad after all.

Oh well.

Gotta go back to being the sister/best girl friend to my eligible male friends.

Ciao.

Updates

2011-05-06T10:52:00.002-05:00

Summer term's started. Pero parang ubos na ang bala ko. Hehe.

Mukang nanganganib ang Dean's List Status ko dahil may MATH ako ngayon. Ang hirap. of all Math, pinakaayaw ko ang geometry. At ngayon bumabawi siya.

Wala pa ring love life as usual. Nakausap ang ko ang kaibigan ni O** and he told me to go find somebody else who's worth it. From a friend ha. Siguro nga I have to believe that. Anyway, I'm so over those kinds of romances. I want stability. And I am getting it.

There's this Chinese person na hindi ko papangalanan baka kasi mabasa niya to. Which is unlikely. But I don't want to take chances. Estudyante rin siya sa university at classmate ko sa isang subject pertaining to film. He seems nice. But not to mention, very Chinese. Inaya niya akong lumabas. Hinatid niya ko sa condo. Then the followng day, we were avoiding each other. Like hell. As in I don't know why. He's avoiding me and I was avoiding him too. Weird. It's as if something bad had happened the day before pero wala naman talaga. Freak of nature. I wonder how it's going to be today because we have classes this afternoon.

Haha. Foreign people are soooooo..... Foreign. That's why I prefer a Filipino when it comes to these things. But I can't seem to find Filipino guys inside the university. I wonder where they could be hiding. So far my share of failed dates and expectations came from these men who don't speak an iota of Tagalog. But I am now enjoying my freedom. Freedom with responsibility, that is.

But I will take UP anytime.

I want to go home.

untitled

2011-01-04T11:20:00.002-06:00

I am here, yet wishing i am somewhere, hoping that you're still there.

I made a new year resolution in my mind that never, never will I let anyone know that I am still dying inside. I so hate this feeling. Like a constant plunging of a dagger in my heart.

Relationships are never easy. Especially to me.

In the future, I hope to find somebody's who's really worth it. I have to change myself too. And I like to think that I'm changing for the better.

I hate it when the hangover from a previous relationship won't go away. I so fuckin hate it.

Oyayi

2010-11-22T18:07:00.002-06:00

Kahit ano'ng gawin ko, masakit pa rin. Masakit na masakit.

Pago na ako at nagsasawa sa kakaiisip sa kinabukasang wala namang katiyakan pero sige pa rin ako. Umaasa na darating ang araw, babalik ka rin.

Pero maliwanag naman ang sinabi mo noon. Hindi mo na ako mahal. Wala akong magawa kundi palayain ka dahil yun ang tama. Annhin ko pa na magkasama tayo pero iba naman ang nasa isip mo?

Masakit magparaya. Masakit din namang ipagpatuloy ang isang bagay na wala nang kabuluhan. Nasa kabilang dulo na ako ng mundo pero ikaw pa rin ang iniisip ko.

Siguro kung mababasa mo ito, maiintindihan mo. Pero palagay ko, hindi rin. Kasi noon, kausap kita, nakikiusap ako na mahalin mo ako ngunit wala namang nangyari. Napagod lang ako sa kakaiyak pero hindi ka rin naawa.

Sana mapatawad na kita para naman maging malaya na rin ako sa ala-ala mo. Hindi ako pwedeng mabuhay nang ganito. Kahit mahal kita, kailangan kitang kalimutan.

Naghihintay ako. Sa paglimot o sa muli mong pagbabalik.

Sino ang mauuna?

Sana makabalik ka bago ka maunahan ng paglimot na innasam asam ko rin ang pagdating.

Rest day

2010-10-30T17:52:00.003-05:00

Two papers in two nights. I am so proud of myself.

I got three A's and 2 B's which isn't so bad.

I did the math last night and figured out that I've been single for almost two years now. I am unattached, single, and more matured now compared to what I was before. I hope that in due time, I'll be ready for a serious relationship that would take me straight to the altar. My former classmates and friends are married now. At least most of them are. They have their own life and I'm truly happy for them. Sana someday, I get to taste what they are having now. I sure hope that my married life is much better than my past failed relationships.

Somebody gave a talk about the student exchange thing in Japan and Australia and I am really interested to join. I want to go to Japan because I think that since I'm doing a double major in Catholic studies and Asian studies, I'll be better off there. But not now, I guess. Maybe in a year. It's an excellent way, I think, to buff up my resume. I'm really excited to work for the government and I want to be stationed in the Philippines. So I'm working my ass off to maintain my grade so I can get a GPA of at least 4.0.

Canada's a nice, clean country to live in. But sometimes I do feel that I don't belong particularly because I'm Asian and English isn't my first language. But I have learned to deal with it and I'm happy that my conversation and language skills are improving. I'm not aiming for a Canadian twang. I just need to say my piece as clearly as I can and I hope that in time, I can speak the languagae as well as they do.

And crap. I didnt win the Goldilocks story contest. Sayang. I was hoping pa naman for an I-pad. haha.

Who knows

2010-10-01T13:44:00.003-05:00

Another week in the university's over.

Nothing much to say except the fact that I miss UP and the people I used to hang out with but this is bound to happen, I guess. We all have different plans and we all have different paths to pursue and it won't be right if I let my emotion controll my head again. Every single thing in my life is different now. Like an old drama/comedy show, I know my lines well now.

I guess it's just part of the process. I miss O** but I have to get on with my life. He seems ok, doing his own thing so I guess everything's laid out now and I have to accept that he won't be coming back. It's true that things hurt. It's true that I still have trouble sleeping but I guess I am more mature now. I am so grateful for all the things that I have learned in the course of my life.

But to be mature is not the same as being immune to pain and heartbreak. This is something I have never felt before especially because he was the one I thought I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. I was ok with his Mom and family and he was ok with mine. But things didn't work out as planned so he dumped me and left me in tiny pieces.

How far can I go? For the first time ever, I started avoiding men and fearing the worse everytime they ask me out. It's paranoia blown out to an epic proportion. prior to this, I had no problem with dating people and going out but now, I seem to have developed a lingering abhorrence with men.

Pagbabago

2010-08-29T16:12:00.019-05:00

Change.

Each of us view change from different perspectives.

For one we have the ancient philosophers who marvelled at the ephemeral state of the world and inquired among themselves why nothing seemed to last forever. They seek nature for answer until they arrived at the conclusion that nature, indeed, is in a state of flux. Nothing is permanent, they say, because everything flows.

Still, we have the enlightened ones, who in successfully sailing through a volley of trials, teach us that change is called the unavoidable – a series of events that can make or break us, depending on how well we trust our innate capabilities. Change is inevitable, they seem to say. Therefore, we should embrace it.

Then, we have among ourselves the optimists – those who view change as one great adventure, a chance to see more of the world and a chance to see how well they can adapt to the uncertainty of life. They are the ones who believe that change should make us better, not bitter, and that everything’s well in the end.

And then we have the weary ones who woefully views change as the perpetual will of the universe created to upset the constancy of their days. Nothing stay the same, they lament. Indeed, nothing ever will.

Change is ironic. Change is universal. Nations call it in their own language. Poets write about it in stanzas but we Filipinos simply like to call it “pagbabago”.

Notice how you say it. Pag-ba-ba-go. Notice the rise and fall of your jaw as you say it. The movement says it all: The rise and fall and the eventual closing of our lips as we arrive at the last syllable illustrates change. We rise and we fall as the force of change continues to challenge us. And we are given a moment of rest that enables us to see how well or how badly we managed change.

Goldilocks first came about in 1966. I was born in 1986 – twenty years and 7 months apart, and has experienced a hundred of changes since then. This story is nothing sort of a romance between a woebegone woman and a Filipino fast-food icon dressed in fairy tale garb. This story is some sort of a modern folklore that involves me, the world, and Goldilocks.

When I was younger I used to think of change in the ways of an optimist. I loved change as children love the rain. I dream of bigger things when I was smaller practically because I believed that change is meant to carry within it a sense of hope and achievement. I wanted to become a doctor and I did well in grade school. Life then was like a box of chocolate brownies: I was confident and eager because unlike Forrest Gump, I knew exactly what I would get. In the 1990’s, when Goldilocks was undergoing major changes and expanding its reach throughout the country and the world, I was growing up and enjoying the little treats of life. Those carefully sliced brownies were as constant as my world then: sweet, carefree, with the right amount of nuts that made my childhood the best among the bests in my memory.

Then high school came. The line was drawn and it separated me from my chocolate brownie world and ushered me towards the black forest of adolescence. I know that there’s no turning back. Pagbabago was here to stay.

I met my first love in high school and got acquainted for the first time with C’s and D’s. Now it won’t be much of a deal if I were into piano and musical notes but C’s and D’s were like my introduction to disappointments and failures. If my first love showed me what an immature relationship can do to a 15 year old, then the C’s and D’s showed me what failure can do to somebody who’s acquainted with success and happiness. I started questioning the things that were handed to me and asked myself why things have to change. Why do friendships fall apart and why do people lie. I retired inside my shell and rarely ventured forth. I became, altogether, a different person from what I was before.I grew bitter and distrustful. As my world change, so did my aspirations. No longer did I wish to become a doctor but turned my interest instead to literature and writing. As I poured my heart out in an old writing notebook, I convinced myself that my childhood ambition was a mere illusion of a sheltered waif. So it was around during the early part of 2003 that I see change in the eyes of a weary soul. I was devastated by the endless series of change that were too big for me to handle. I became sick of changes and longed for consistency and peace.

Around this time, I also entered college and majored in Literature. Baguio's old school vibe opened up new and exciting changes for me. From being the shy girl in high school, I became outgoing and independent. I met new friends as my old friendships underwent the usual falling out. Goldilocks, during these times, were also shedding its old form and rising to the changes of time. It was in college when I often went to Session Road with my friends to grab some bitbit treats from Goldilocks. Our favorite merienda then were the chocolate roll cakes in individual packs and the classic polvoron which sustained us through tough courses and even tougher professors. As I grew up and as my life changed, my worldview deviated from my previous pessimistic outlook. Rather, I learned to look at change as an indispensable part of nature – mainly because of the philosophy classes I took during those times. So I rolled my sleeves and straightened my back and told myself that if everything flows and nothing lasts forever, I will be part of the change.

Since then, my life has been a constant series of change. From Baguio, I transferred yet to another university and finally graduated after a long struggle in college. I came to meet more people from diferent walks of life and under different circumstances. College, unlike high school, was a breath of fresh air. It was a freeing and humbling experience because I was able to realize how lucky I am through the out reach program and the community service that I was able to join. After graduating, I decided to move abroad. Like Goldilocks, I ventured out in another shore to test my mettle and to see if I have learned anything new from the changes and struggles that I’ve been through in the past. Goldilocks, I think, is a great example of how the indomitable Filipino truly functions amidst a sea of change. The Philippines is where the home is, both for me and for Goldilocks, but there’s no harm in testing a different kind of life and culture. As the world continues to revolve, so as change continue to permeate our lives. Filipinos move to different parts of the globe in search of a better life and better opportunity. They choose to overcome the pain of being away from everything warm and familiar so as to see change. It’s nice to know, truly, that a familiar Filipino icon is present in a foreign shore; like an oasis of some sort meant to satisfy or perhaps lessen the homesickness of my fellow Filipino expatriates. What Filipino, I daresay, would not miss Goldilocks' sinigang and lumpiang sariwa? Or even its halo-halo and pastillas de leche? Years of being away may make our tongue proficient in a foreign language but our hearts will always yearn for the simplicity of a local fare.

Today, I am about to start a new chapter in my life in Canada. I enrolled in a university for further studies and to see how change will influence my future. I no longer fear change the way I used to, nor do I let myself be swayed by its current. Today, I see change in an enlightened perspective --- change is unavoidable but it will make me better as long as I trust myself and use my past experiences.

Now, if only there is a Goldilocks in Manitoba. I sure envy my compatriots in Vancouver.

Picture source:

Embracedwitha-kiss

http://embracedwitha-kiss.deviantart.com/art/Goldilocks-Brownies-Heavenly-123790231

X

2010-08-16T20:32:00.000-05:00

In times like these, I'm grateful for my friend, Raine.

It pains me, knowing that I'm so close to what I really wanted but with nobody to share my joys with. To have come this far... but with nobody to share my plans with. Ironic, isn't? I have the whole world but I lost the one person who I want to share my success with.

To be without. A very tough lesson to learn. Indeed.

I used to dream about this day: acceptance in this Canadian university and living on my own in Canada. I so made it. I did. But without that one person who used to dream with me. He was the sole reason behind all these struggles to excell but now, he's gone. We're separated, with no darn hope of being together again. Because he said so.

I miss him. I really do.

Multiply notified me that he came and visited my site last week. I don't want to hope too much but it was a balm. A stupid, tiny balm that soothed my heart a little bit.Maybe he misses me. Maybe he's thinking of me. Maybe. Just maybe he loves me.

Single.

2010-07-07T16:58:00.000-05:00

Well then, under mishap but nothing too serious to cause me another heartbreak.

Thank God for Kerygma. Thank God for Corrie ten Boom. Thank God for facebook. I mean, thank God, period. Because although I seem to have a string of bad luck with men, I am blessed to have so much for somebody so imperfect.

So i made a decision: I will stop dating and will be focusing more on career building and the university that I'd like to attend here in Manitoba. Cause nothing hurts me more than the thought that I fail everytime I try to be with somebody. Maybe it's not yet the right time to engage myself in something serious such as this. I'll try to be non-committal this time. I will let time do the judging and perhaps by then, I'll be more than ready to burn and waste my precious time to somebody who's worth it.

Single. I am.

...and tomorrow will be another day

2010-03-14T01:09:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow, I will see him.

I will hear his piece. And he will hear every damning word from me.

Suppose that tomorrow is the beginning of the end. Tomorrow is goodbye. With no hope left in the future.

I want him back but it seems that he doesn't even want to be a part of me anymore. He belongs to the past now.

Suppose that tomorrow, he'll say sorry and we'll be back together again. But I don't think so.

Sometimes God is deaf.

Sometimes He doesn't say yes.

I hope that tomorrow, God will say yes.

And everything shall be well again.

countdown begins

2010-03-05T07:14:00.000-06:00

Almost 365 days after the drama. And still, I'm waiting for an answer.

A lot of things have happened this year and I admit that not all of them are great. I've seen my fair share of failures, enough dosage of blessings, and a lot of learning experiences. I've met men and even dated some of them but in the end, I'm still alone with nobody but myself.

If any, this year had been a struggle. A sort of constant tug of war between my weakened emotions and the things that I ought to do. My resolve to graduate and to hang on to that tiny piece of hope despite everything won out in the end so here I am, stronger and better with the whole world for me to conquer.

Sorry for my sloppy writing. I just want to let it all out.

I still think about my ex boyfriend. And I still cry sometimes whenever I miss him. There were days when I would just lie down and cry. There were nights when I couldn't sleep. But it has gotten fewer and lesser as time goes by until one day, I realized that I am a stronger, better equipped person than I was before. But I still miss him. And more often than not, I still pray for his return.

But this hope has gotten weaker and weaker and now I'm confused to when I should let go and when should I still hope. I try to comfort myself by going out and meeting other people but the feeling of relief that I get from it, I learned, is temporary. I cannot forgive him. I really cannot.

I hate him, it's true. I hate him because he doesn't love me anymore. I hate it that God is slow in hearing my prayers. I hate it that everything failed me and there's no solid ground on which I could base my hopes. I hate it that I believed but no miracle came. I hate everything.

Like today. I feel this overwhelming sadness but my friends are nowhere to be found. I'm not saying that they should be the ones to carry my yoke but I feel this terrible loneliness that only tears could rightly express. This almighty sadness and brokenness, I could no longer endure.

Real Leaf Paparazzi

2010-01-19T06:43:00.000-06:00

Binondo, with its rich heritage and vibrant old school feel, has been a favorite spot of people - both local and foreign - for shopping, sight-seeing, and food hopping. Also, because of its vast collection of colors and culture, it is considered a great spot to explore for people like me who's starting to like photography. Likewise, I thought that the Manila Chinatown is the perfect place to haunt for good material for the Real Leaf Paparazzi Blog Contest.

So armed with my pink point-and-shoot Canon, my friends and I took a day's reprieve from books, professors and whatnot's, and braved the dangerous yet mysterious Binondo for an afternoon of bonding, walking, food hopping, and of course paparazzi-ing.

First stop was a 7-11 store where we bought our tourist sustenance: mint gums and Real Leaf Green Tea. Each of us had a bottle to tide us through the hassles and tussles of the little China that we were headed for.

Walking the streets of Binondo was like threading on a different world --- Manila meets China meets Araby: the scrumpy street hawkers selling their wares, the impeccably dressed Chinese mestizos on their way to a wedding, the little children running happily along the busy street, and the serene smile of the old women while minding their grandchildren. The varied sound, smell, and feel of Binondo could be compared to the totality of the taste of Real Leaf - refreshingly original, rich, and natural.

We spotted a pair of foreigners (we later learned that their names were Augustina and Marco) sitting by the fountain on our way out of Binondo. My photographer eye quickly scanned the bottle that each of them were holding hoping that a Real Leaf moment would finally be captured. And true enough, after a closer look, it was the familiar green bottle! I excitedly asked my friends if it was a good idea to approach the couple, worried that I might scare them off.

Seconds of indecision turned into minutes of dumb shyness and insecurity. But my excitement of seeing the perfect Real Leaf photo opportunity won out in the end so I approached the tourists and introduced myself --- not exactly very paparazzo but I couldn't think of a better approach. Stalking them was out of the question, thus I figured that asking them straight out would be the better option.

Luckily, the Argentine and Portuguese couple were friendly and willing to be photographed. So under the scorching heat of the sun and amidst the noise of the city that was teeming with life, I was able to take pictures of them while they were drinking their Real Leaf. Marco, the Portuguese, told me that they were out admiring the city and were amazed by the wealth of culture and tradition of the Filipino and the Chinese. They too, had been walking inside Binondo and were drinking Real Leaf as a means to quench their thirst.

We gained new friends that day. My group invited Marco and Augustina for dinner and later toured them around Intramuros, much to their excitement. I must say that the foreign couple were very trusting and engaging so my friends and I showed them what we Filipinos were known for --- our hospitality, kindness, and decency.

At the end of the day, despite the grime and the fatigue, we parted ways happy and fulfilled. Lying on my bed that night, I realized that diversity in race and language were not barriers in building friendly relationships and connections because we are all created equal --- a cliche statement but nevertheless an oft-forgotten truth.

"All men are created equal." A great visionary and leader once told the whole world.

All of us feel the heat of the sun and the dirt of dust.

All of us strive to belong and to be accepted.

All of us need to feel loved and respected.

All of us thirst after a long and tiring walk.

And all of us, Latin or Asian, appreciate the good taste of Real Leaf Green Tea.

chase the moment fall forever.

2009-04-23T05:13:00.000-05:00

quo vadis

2009-04-14T20:24:00.000-05:00

I have started attending summer classes yesterday. It's a weird feeling, I guess. Going to regualr classes and all that after years of being away from the normal school setting. I get giddy but I'll get over it somehow. In fact I'm enjoying my time in school.

I've met new people, thank God for that. I need that to facilitate my healing process. I'm much better now than before. I'm in the process of forgiving myself and assesing my mistakes and shortcomings. But I'm ok now. I'm beginning to be happy again.

I'll take each day, one at a time. Of course, I pray too. I pray for healing and triumph over impossible odds. The only problem is, I'll get dark skin from walking around the campus. HEhe.

en espanyol

2009-03-26T06:55:00.000-05:00

Me hundire con este barco.
Y no levantare las manos y me rendire.
No habra una bandera blanca sobre mi puerta.
Estoy enamorada y simpre lo estare.

...

did i make you proud, Lord?

2009-03-23T02:29:00.000-05:00

Lord, did I do well? Did I fight the good fight till the end? Did I love well?

Did I trust completely?

Lord, help me forgive and help me forget. He may or may not come back but I pray that I would carry on whatever the conclusion is. It is dead --- but the heart never forgets.

looking back

2009-02-25T17:12:00.000-06:00

If you're given the choice to go back to the time when you made your biggest mistake, would you go back? I bet you will. Cause I will. Who would not want to go back if it means getting a clean record from the past instead of the murky failures we tend to horde somewhere?

But if in doing so, you would in return, lose the good things and the people you have in your life right now, would you still do it?

I don't mean to sound so rotten philosophical but have you given it a thought? A lot of us wish to go back to some point in time where we thought we have erred but have we really take in consideration the consequences that go with it?

Nah. I'm probably overdosed with my Biology book. Wanna have some coffee?

***
Been there done that. What more can I say about myself?

No more hating, I told myself. But why am I so bitter?

But in fairness, I owe so much from this bitterness. It made me, in simpler words, a better person. Ironic, isn't? Can bitterness really make me a better version of myself? So much in so little time. But in most aspects of my present life that originated from that one, sad mistake I made, a lot of good things came in to my life. So in order to hide my pain, I always say this to myself: That it was a mistake that led to a better life.

But there is one thing that really irks me about it: That I would graduate so late because of that.

Oh well. We can't always get what we want.

***
I was a mere freshman.

End.

Happy Birthday!

2009-02-18T21:51:00.000-06:00

Let's make believe it's the 22nd already.

Happy birthday, Oey! :)

I'm going home soon para sabay tayo maka martsa for graduation. Though at times I'm confused if going home is the right thing to do, iniisip ko na lang na right thing talaga yun. because if I don't, hanggang panaginip na lang ang diploma ko. Pero dahil malapit na malapit na tayo makagraduate, I guess tama lang na umuwi ako.

:)

Sobrang tagal ko na sa college, dahil lagi ako humihinto. Minsan, nakakawalang gana na. pero because I pulled it through, and because of you also, malapit na ko sa end. It will be over soon. :)

I love you so much even if sometimes I make you inis. Hehe. I don't why I'm so jealous. I was not like this before. Siguro because I'm growing old? or is it because alam ko we'll get married soon? heheehhehe.

Anyway, I love you. I love you. and happy birthday to you. :)

sound trip/video trip

2009-01-27T19:19:00.000-06:00

Yey! I'm nearly done with UP. I'm gradticipating (new word which i coined) already. Sana tuloy na tuloy na sa November.

anyway. it's fine naman kung hindi sa November. Basta I'm graduating soon. (pwera usog)

I made a video clip for my geology project and didn't know that it was so easy. I was hesitating pa nga at first because I'm not really a computer geek. I researched about it and it was FUN--- it's like the first time I learned how to use html codes three years ago. The finished product was ok --- at least in my opinion. I uploaded it on youtube for my prof's perusal. I emailed him early on so that I would know if I did the right thing. It turned out that indeed, I did the right thing. My video was about earthquakes thingy. I incorporated a modern African song as a background tune. Needless to say, I am pleased with the result. i hope i get a high mark on Natsci2. Para tuloy tuloy na ang ligaya. hehe.

:)

Anyway, dahil nasa canada ako at hindi kami nakakapag-date ni oey (haha), libangan ko na lang mag net surfing. Parang kanina. Music trip galore. I find 90's bands, especially the verve and the verve pipe completely relaxing. One hit wonder lang yata yung verve pipe, pero kahit na. I really like them. Their song "The Freshmen" has a poetic feel on it. I like the beat also. Parang pampatulog. Hehe.

random notes. from a random geek.

2009-01-17T21:26:00.000-06:00

I keep on forgetting things. Like this morning. I saw a telephone number I had written on a piece of paper. I stared at it. A 1-800 hotline you'd see on tv ads or public service advisories here in Canada. I stared again. Palpak ang memory ko. Hindi ko ma-retrive. So I stopped. Until now I can't remember what that number was for. Must be something important because I'm not the type who scribbles telephone numbers for nothing. But my memory failed me.

It's a bad thing, though. Am I a candidate for an early onset of Alzheimer's? I think I'm just stressed. Bad. Bad time for having memory loss. I have a final exam on Biology next month and I can't afford to flunk it. Anyway, I'm sure I won't flunk but I'm aiming sana for a good grade. I got my grades from my other subjects and I found out that I, in theory, can vie for an academic award. In theory, i repeat. Because my other grades are not yet finalized. And I very well have the chance of being rudely shaken to the reality that my vying for honor is a mere illusion. Hehe. But for now, my average is high enough for me to assume that maybe, just maybe, I could finally nail it and be the class the act that I was supposed to be. Moment in time, part two.

Libre naman mangarap di ba? Malay nyo magkatotoo.

taena. Minsan hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. Buti na lang matatapos na ko. At naiinis ako sa mga tao na minamaliit ang UPOU. Naiinis talaga ko. Shut up, ok. You don't know what effort students put on this just to graduate. I know some students in OU who cut corners and cheat BUT they, I'm sure, won't make it. I was a residential student once, in UP Baguio so I can see the differences and the similarities.

Sorry, random talaga 'to.

burned.

2009-01-16T21:24:00.000-06:00

Nalilito ako.

Hindi ko alam kung saang singit ko na naman isisiksik ang sarili ko. Bakit parang ang gulo?

Ang gulo gulo ng buhay ko sa college.

Sabi nila, find out what makes you happy and go for it.

It's so FUNNY. after so many years... i still don't know what to do with my life. it feels like going in circles all the time. I feel so shitty.

I'm graduating soon. I MEAN REALLY SOON. My mom told me to go home and finish my remaining units in PE and NTSP. yun na lang ang kulang ko at makakasuot na rin ako sa wakas ng sablay. at magkakaroon na rin ako ng sense of achievement. at siguro sense of purpose. baka by that time alam ko na ang gusto ko.

I don't like to think na marami akong options. I mean, here I am. Nasa Canada. pwedeng pwedeng pumasok sa university of manitoba. pero ang kapalit noon: start college from the beginning. ALL OVER AGAIN. or go home to the Philippines and finish what i have started. but here's the catch: after UPOU, i would have to study for another 2 years for my bachelors degree. I'm so bulled.

sabi nila mahirap mabuhay sa pilipinas. ganun din naman sa canada. distance won't solve anything. so i might as well cure myself. i just son't want to think that I've wasted a huge chunk of my time for nothing.

i'm so frustrated.

so where to?

how soon is later?

2009-01-05T19:08:00.000-06:00

bullshit. this is just bullshit.

almost ten years. almost ten years and still, I AM STUPID.

i am wondering

2009-01-03T11:05:00.000-06:00

Ummm.. I'm just wondering. Who in Japan would take his time to read THIS blog?

I'm just curious. I mean, who wouldn't be? I checked my hit counter account a while ago and I found out that somebody in Japan is reading this blog. Apparently, whoever it was, he/she knows this blog's url. He didn't get in to my blog by accident. Creepy.

I have an uncle in Japan. But I don't think he knows about my blog. And I reckon that things like girly journals doesn't interest him.

Oh anyway. Whoever you are, happy reading to you. I must warn you though. You won't find anything of importance here. These are all plain trash.

So ok. Updates.

Oh well well. I'm already here in Winnipeg. Winterpeg as people from British Columbia call it. And for a reason. It's snowing here. Like forever. Oh yeah. I hate it.

So I need to figure out how to settle in this kind of weather because pretty soon, I'm gonna have to make a decision: to work full time here and strive to finish my remaining PE and ROTC units in UP or work part time and try to get in to the University of Manitoba, which is by the way one of the top universities in the world. So, which is which?

I already sent resumes and application letters to companies with varying profiles. I sent out letters to a coffee shop, though I'm still waiting for a reply. I also tried applying for a cashier position in Hudson Bay Corporation. But I prefer working in downtown though I have to drive a couple of minutes to get there. And I hate to drive. with this kind of weather, i don't think I would ever muster enough courage to do it. But eventually, I have to since I'm left with no other choice.

Sometimes, freedom can be so frightening.

Anyway, my job search is not yet over. I still have until April to figure out what kind of life I would choose to live. I could get back from the start, like a freshman and embark on another wonderful/tiring/frustrating but hopefully successful college life here in Canada or finish what I have started so I can finally call myself a graduate. It's infuriating, really. To have come this far only to find out that the road leads to unending multiple forks.

Oey and I are getting married soon. He'll come over this June or July for our civil wedding. Church wedding's to follow in 2010, of course in the Philippines.

Hey folks, sorry for this random entry. I couldn't think of a coherent and unified story because I'm really in a hurry. My midterms in Geology is in 7 days and I'm yet to finish 3 more lessons. My exam's going to be conducted online so I really have to work harder. i'm really nervous bout it.

Salut!

will i am

2008-11-23T21:29:00.000-06:00

Lately, obscurity has been winning over rationality and kindness. And compassion. I hate it. Especially when I get angry easily. It's something I really want to change.

Two years. Two years has come and gone. Being away from my mom has been a great experience especially because I learned to be independent and strong. Of course being away from one's parents has its advantages (and downside also). But all in all, the two years I had was a great experience for me.

Writing this now, I learned that life presents us with hurdles when we need to learn or change something about ourselves. I understand now that faith indeed is a virtue.

And I'm still working on it.

xoxo

2008-10-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Another semester down. One more to go.

Thanks for coming with me, Oey. I really appreciate it. :)

God is so kind to me. He gave me somebody like him. At times, though, I'm more of a prodigal daughter than a faithful one. I wish this would stop. I think I really have to talk to Oey. We must do something about it.

state of mind

2008-09-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

I WANT TO SCREAM MY HEAD OFF.

I REALLY REALLY WANT TO SCREAM.

angry

2008-09-28T02:04:00.000-05:00

we had an argument last night.

but we're ok now. things will work out well, i suppose.

what really irked me was his momentary insensitivity. it was momentary, i repeat, more of a flicker. maybe he forgot that he has a girlfriend when those stupid people talked to him. i didn't like that. i didn't like what he did. moreover, I didn't like what those people did. it was really frustrating that i couldn't answer oey when he asked me what's wrong. I felt humiliated. But it's ok . we talked late this morning and everything's settled now. I don't want to jeopardize our relationship because we're planning to get married two years from now. and because i'm really happy with him.

have you ever felt so damn angry and frustrated?

romance with words

2008-09-04T23:44:00.000-05:00

When ghosts stir, I sense the involuntary, almost unexplainable, urge to write.

The only problem is, these ghosts rarely ever bless me with their nocturnal visits. More often than not, I would find myself grasping for words as a drowning person grasps for air - not a good thing though. A person who strives for a single, insignificant dot in the literary circus should be able to at least cook in an edible piece of word meat whenever the hunger for stories begin to growl.

My romance with words and languages is like romancing a finicky, hard to reach bastard. It's like Machiavelli's fortuna --- my writing genes rarely get activated and if it ever did, I should grasp it as one wrestles with a restless woman --- forcefully, brutally, savagely. Only then will my rantings become art and my obscurity becomes an alchemy of words.

I can sense the ghosts stir. I will begin to write.

anticipating

2008-08-26T22:22:00.000-05:00

Very soon, the ice queen will move out of the Philippines and stay in some foreign white country for good.

But this time, this time, let me emphasize that, I am leaving with no trace of sadness. Because I am going away with this feeling of certainty that I'm forging ahead and expecting the possibility of a brighter future.

I did what I did. No point in hiding that. Mistakes are mistakes but in hindsight, I see things more clearly now. I'm not proud of what happened, but I'm not hiding it either. Especially because it taught me a thing or two about the so called emancipation of women. (Large grin here).

No, mate. Seriously speaking, I am now seeing brighter days since 2003. I hope that this ray of sunshine will continue to brighten my days until forever.

I'm not complaining anymore.

My cup of coffee has finally arrived.

a question

2008-08-04T22:40:00.000-05:00

Is kissing wrong?

I'm really confused about this. I read from Catholic forums that kissing between unmarried people is not wrong but the criteria for, uhm how do I call that, "proper" kissing is not properly stated. So how do we know when kissing is sinful?

I honestly don't know.

The forum said that kissing between unmarried couple is not permitted when it's too passionate because it may lead to sexual desires. and we all know that pre-marital sex is a mortal sin.

So how do I know when I'm kissing the "proper Catholic way"?

I'm scared. Scrupulous, you might say, but I'm afraid to sin the same sin again. I'm afraid to fall again because I told Him that I won't do that again. I'm not perfect, and I have a series of little failings but I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, God or any one else.

Of course, I won't be able to hurt God but I don't like to sin again. and i love my boyfriend, I don't want to lose him. I believe that a relationship won't succeed without God's blessings. So where to now, Jan?

I'm confused.

Happiness comes when you least expect it.

2008-07-31T06:37:00.000-05:00

It's really amazing how time flies so quickly.

Yesterday, I was seven, then i turned eleven, and then seventeen. Now I'm 21 and no longer a child.

It's inevitable. I'm leaving for Canada and I'm excited about it. Excited in the prospect that I'll start all over again and I get to shift gears and study nursing. Far cry from what I was so hell bent in doing just a few months ago.

Why nursing?

Easy. I want a secure future. I don't want surprises. I'm now a bit old for ideals. I love books and will always love literature but I doubt it if it would give me a solid future. Especially that my parents are getting older and I'm not getting any younger. A few years from now, I'll have a family of my own and I want my children to have the best of everything.

It's really amazing... how wonderful life is.

oey and i are doing great. It's funny to think that love finds you when you're no longer angry and regretful. love finds you when you learn to love your self. it's really really amazing. going to UP, is by far, the best decision i ever made. I met him when I was too busy with books, trying to survive up's rigorous program. hehe. it's really funny. love finds you when you least expect it.

and... and...

it's really true...

Happiness comes when you least expect it.

:)

Indeed, life goes on.

:D

field mice

2008-07-24T21:59:00.000-05:00

went to bulacan and stayed there for almost a week. miss my old life...

it's amazing how one visit to my hometown would make things all right again. i feel refreshed. recharged, i should say. metro manila is too much for me. well at least, for a promdi like me.

I'm not ashamed to say that. why should I deny the truth? i'm provincial. though i'm not that stereotype probinsiyana girl who likes planting rice in the field. i was born and raised there and i don't give a shit if people often mistook me for being guillible and naive. well i'm not naive. i was but not anymore.

but i think being a probinsyana has its benefits. for one you tend to retain traditional values. I still ask for blessings whenever I go out. people would find this queer. well hey at least I know how to give respect where respect is due.

hehe.

tomorrow's our math 11 midterms. i'm scared.

like hell.

untitled

2008-07-16T20:39:00.000-05:00

ow righteeee...

i've been having a hard time with my college algebra. i'm not good in numbers. never was. especially if no teacher is around to teach me math.

good thing's oey's there.

but of course I don't want to use up his time because he's busy too.

no teacher, no mother, no boyfriend to help me get through with math. just one brave jeizelle.

awoooooooo

ok ok.

oey told me to let his mom help me with math. i'm too ashamed to do that. i can't get over with my shyness. but it's understandable. especially if she's your mother's boyfriend. it happens. i'm not that outgoing and extroverted type of person. i'm working on it, little by little.

requiem for a dream

2008-07-01T01:00:00.001-05:00

i need to take a break. math's killing me.

huhuhuhuhu...

why does it have to be so hard? math was never my best friend. well, it was an ally when i was in high school, especially on my senior year, when it was a weapon of mass destruction that i used against the bullies. but come college and math ceased to be a crony. especially because no one's around to teach me math, save for oey who taught me the basics in physics last saturday.

my last encounter with acceleration and velocity was about five years ago. and now, i'm forced to understand them again. i hate math. i'm beginning to think that i don't deserve my medal in high school when everybody thought that i was the physics goddess. huhuhu. i have to pass this course. i got 9 units that concern math and numbers and i have no intentions of flunking them.

but... but...

i'm leaving for canada this december. so why the fu** should i excert more effort and energy (pun intended) to pass physics? because..because i have this feeling that my college algebra and this physics would be creditted at the canadian university i'm planning to apply.

isn't funny? here i am, graduating this may at UP when all of a sudden, zeus decided to play a cruel joke on me and let the immigration people in canada accept my mother's immigrant application. i have to leave in 6 months or else, i won't be able to reach their great canadian dream. ha-ha. of all my rotten luck.

there's no way that she would let me stay. or perhaps, some divine inspiration would cross her mind and let me go home and finish the remaining units in pe and rotc.

oh fu**.

puro na lang ako potential energy.

*sigh.

oh well

2008-06-13T05:21:00.000-05:00

There's something about the afternoons that makes me nostalgic. Maybe it's like what Ninotchka Rosca wrote about in her novel --- a feeling of peculiarity in a particular moment or instant or day ---- that would signal the beginning of something new, something fresh, and something different that would dictate what the future would bring.

I think that this afternoon is one of those afternoons the author was talking about.

Oh well. I'm thinking too much again. School's already started that's why I'm beginning to get coo coo. Hehe. But I'm excited to graduate that's why I'm reading notes like crazy. I even started going over the second module in my Math textbook this morning. I'm really excited to get things done.

I feel so old. I don't even look like Jeizelle anymore. I changed a lot. Things are happening so fast and I think, I don't want to grow up yet. NOT YET. Ironic, isn't it? Here I am, studying like crazy, wanting to graduate, but wishing I wouldn't grow up too fast.

And I'm having problems with one of my subjects. The professor told us to interview a scientist. Oey told me that he knows somebody who I can interview. But the thing is, I'm too shy. Darn. The sem is just beginning but already, I'm messing things up. I really have problems with my esteem. I need to work hard to control my impulse to back out when I perceive the task to be more difficult that it actually is.

oh well.

random songs

2008-06-11T05:34:00.000-05:00

Happy 2 Months last June 9.

hehe.

i need a break from reading my textbooks. i was reading science this morning and solving math problems a while ago. i need a breather.

oh well. i texted vyen my number and we talked a little about our other schoolmates and what they are up to now that we are in the "real world". I was attacked with nostalgia. I miss high school. I miss my old life. I miss my hometown. And I came to realize that I SUCK, having messed my early college years. I regret being stupid and letting my emotions control my head. Oh well. I guess, i have to live with that regret forever.

went on line and stumbled upon my cousin's boyfriend's playlist. I liked his choices. Maybe he's gay. He-he. The songs are too girly.

anyway, there are too many songs buzzing in my head right now.

Always be my baby
Mariah Carey

you'll always be a part of me
i'm a part of you indefinitely
boy don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on
time can't erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Somebody's Me
Enrique Iglesias

Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me

How Do I Feel
Hoku

I miss the moody walks in the rain
I miss the poetry, I miss the days
I miss the sad songs I used to play
But the one thing I miss the most
Is missing you.

Sunshine
Gabrielle

You are the calm, when I am the storm
You are the breeze, that carries me on
When I set adrift, you anchor me
You're there for me

Hallelujah
Rufus Wainwright

Maybe I have been here before,
I know this room; I have walked this floor,
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch,
love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

I write sins not tragedies
Panic! at the Disco

I'd chime in "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!"
No.
It's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

The Freshman
Verve Pipe

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

Sunny Came Home
Shawn Colvin

Sunny came home with a list of names
She didn't believe in transcendence
It's time for a few small repairs she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance

The Remedy
Jason Mraz

The remedy is the experience.
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that it's serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

Stuck in a Moment
U2

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass

Wonderwall
Oasis

And after all,
you're my wonderwall...

someday

2008-06-09T06:59:00.000-05:00

....Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see this though my eyes
By then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I cared....

Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
Someday someday....

I didn't know that the "someday" i was singing not a long time ago has come.

summer of 2008

2008-06-09T06:14:00.000-05:00

my summer vacation officially ended today. not really. it feels like i haven't had a summer vacation at all because I took a Rizal course that filled out my May. Well anyway. Nice summer.

Came home from the island in Subic. Spent two days there with my family. I was afraid to get dark so I avoided the beach in the mornings and afternoons. I went out to swim only in the late afternoons to avoid burning my skin. Not that I have super great skin. It's just that I'm afraid to get dark and all that. So while my cousins were swimming like crazy and developing tan lines, I was hiding in the comforts of the hotel room and bumming the mornings away, watching talk shows and cartoons.

oh... the pictures. wait till I upload them at Friendster and Multiply. I got tons of interesting pictures. hahahaha.

oh well... classes is already here. the beginning of the end. I'm graduating soon, hopefully.

=)

tenk yu tenk yu

2008-06-05T05:34:00.001-05:00

went to bulacan with oey yesterday. it was a happy day. glad to be home again.

=)

who is jeizelle?

2008-06-05T04:29:00.000-05:00

I have to practice my writing skills. I can' t afford to lose it since I found out that I would be doing a lot of researches and essays this semester that would, alas, put my writing and thinking skills to the test. I don't know why but I think I'm losing it again. I'm too lazy to write stuffs these days and I figure I must do something to stop it.

So I think of writing things with ---ahem--- substance to warm up my fingers and to fix my vocabulary. Anyway, graduation is around the corner and I can't buckle down. Not unless I want to get stuck in college for another ten years. I'm exaggerating.

This blog is not meant to entertain anyone but myself. So if you're not in for a long and bloody reading, click that x button now and retreat to the warmth of your couch. Or go outside. Whatever. I just don't need any audience right now because I'm writing this journal entry for myself and I don't need anybody's opinion.

The title for this piece is : Who is Jeizelle?

Who is Jeizelle?

A Personal Essay Written by a College Coed

If anyone would ask me to describe myself in one word, I would say "confusing". I don't have a solid and definite description of myself, except of course with my physical feature which is not very difficult to explain since we're all measured with numbers; with precise calculation of weight, height, blood pressure; the length of hair and the size of feet. Unfortunately I'm not well-equipped at the moment and perhaps a quick trip to the doctor would do. The bulk of my body, the length of my physique and the leanness of my calf belongs to science and its equally terrible sister, mathematics, so I won't bother anymore to find out. I am what I am and numbers don't interest me. Anyway, I'm a confusing person and a confused one at that so I won't try to make sense now.

In order to emphasize the truth about my confusing identity, I'll begin by saying that I'm a creature of endless possibilities.

I'm a very impulsive person but I act in a very careful/impulsive manner. Confusing but nothing less than interesting. I am a very reasonable person but I can be very difficult to be with since I'm impulsive. Impulsive but interesting. Careful, impulsive; reasonable and difficult. Confusing isn't?

I'm a vain person but it depends on the time and the season. I'm vain in December and in the summer but downtrodden in June up to September. All the rest are moderate seasons for my vanity.

....ok enough for now.

somewhere

2008-06-03T04:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes i think about my grandfather, the things he told me and the lessons he tried to impart. Every waking day of my childhood and teen years, he was there. and suddenly he's GONE. He's gone and nothing can change that.

I refuse to go home because I don't want to see his vacant rocking chair. I refuse to smell his scent - he kept all his grooming paraphernalia in the bathroom and my grandma doesn't want to get rid of it. She's not ready. Neither do I.

How long till I see him again? 20, 30, 40, 60 years? Who knows when.

-----

In love.

When was the last time I considered myself to be in love?

But today, my friends, I'm in love.

It's not a crazy love. It's a warm love. and for the first time in my life, I can rest my head at night knowing that I love him and he loves me back.

How does that song in "The Sound of Music" goes?

"...Somewhere in my childhood, I must have done something good."

:(

2008-05-29T05:54:00.000-05:00

i feel like i could flyyyyyy...

gabrielle's sunshine... can't take that tune out of my head. makes me remember my happy days in grade school and high school.

=)

can't believe it. finally, in a few months time, i'm graduating.

post it.

2008-05-26T06:52:00.000-05:00

Cause someday you're going to get hungry and eat all of the words that you just said

it's something unpredictable, but in the end is right....

2008-04-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

i hope you had the time of your life...

=)

happy

2008-04-16T22:59:00.000-05:00

unbelievable.

he's coming today. at 2 pm. got to go.

=)

my friends i'm so happy

2008-04-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

went walking with him.

about time that i get happy.

hahahaha.

2008-04-06T00:28:00.000-05:00

yuck ang duwag pala ni albert.

hahahaha.

sinumbong ko lang sa pamilya ko, nataranta na. hahaha.

=)

2008-04-03T10:50:00.000-05:00

all rightee.....

:)

kakauwi lang ni JM about 5 minutes ago. nandito kami kanina sa bahay.

harharhar.

i'm soooo happy...

=)

2008-04-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

i'm so happy... i can't believe that my life is heading to a better direction.

:)

i'll graduate very soon. from UP. i may not graduate with honors but i'm proud to say that i'm one of the better students. i'm not bragging. you can see it on the list. :)

lalalalalalala....

everything's better now. i'm finally the class act that i should have been 5 years ago. now that my old life is over, i'm ready to face a new --- and hopefully a happier phase in my life.

I'm so happy. I finally found somebody who likes me and who I like back. and my family in bulacan is requesting too. dalhin ko daw siya sa bulacan so that my lola and my aunts could meet him.

lalalalala. i'm so happy. i feel i could sing "it's a small world" with feelings. :)

malungkot nga lang na albert is hating me on friendster. and it really hurts me because i'm not doing anything wrong to him. i should be the one cursing him on friendster because he and his "wonderful" family treated me like garbage. i should be the one calling them names because of what they said and what they did but oh, never mind. my life is way too dignified and i'm too happy than their perceived notion of how high and mighty they are.

and for the record...

my grand father's angry with his brother and his family. no amount of good intentions from them could assuage my lolo's anger and my uncle's wrath, and my mother's fury and my whole family's deep seated anger to them who though that they are high and mighty and to that person who thinks that nobody would take me seriously just because i slept with him. or just because i was depressed for a while.

my life is way too dignified for that.

funeral for a friend

2008-03-22T08:16:00.000-05:00

kanina, nasa lamay ako ni lolo. tinitingnan ko siya. hindi na din ako maiyak. tanggap ko na siguro. i dunno.

i have no regrets. because i told him everything i want to say. i

the burial. tuesday.

i told myself that i want to go to the salon and have my hair fixed for the burial. galing noh. parang ako ang ililibing, magpapaayos pa ko. pero maganda din yun. ngayon lang ulit ako makikita ng pamilya kaya magpapaganda ako. charing. and besides, lolo always told me that i'm beautiful. hehehe. i hate disappointing him.

got to go. i'll go back to the funeral.

sorry have to remove the other entries.

2008-02-23T21:38:00.000-06:00

drat... i have to hide my other blog entries because im scared that that guy i like would find out that i like him too. a schoolmate from the manila times posted my blog's url in his multiply. syempre ang stupid ko naman. bakit nga naman ako gagawa ng blog kung ayaw kong pabasa. e yun nga lang baka mabasa ni ehem ang blogger ko e lumakas ang loob mahirap na.

see. kahit mukang madaldal ako sa multiply blog. siyempre iba pa din dito sa blogspot.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2008-02-22T21:32:00.000-06:00

years before, i thought that i'm not gonna meet someone who I can fall in love with the same way i fell in love with you.

i'm not in love. not yet. but i'm happy.

he's a good man. he turned 25 last february 22. he's like me in so many ways. he likes to read books. he likes to write. he's a table tennis enthusiast. you had been with me for so long you don't know that i can play ping pong. writing this blog makes me cry. because i miss you but i know you'll never be back and i'm not coming back to you either.

i sincerely hope that you're happy. because it will hurt me if you're not. because i'm happy now. i learned to forget you.

so long.

one fateful january 11, 2008

2008-01-16T01:29:00.000-06:00

camille (my friend from the manila times) and i went to gateway last friday for our annual bonding time. hehe. the usual. we stayed at taco bell the whole afternoon while filling our guts with more tacos that we can actually digest.

but that's not the issue here.

coz i saw, with my own two eyes, my ex's ex's friends.

hehe. don't try to understand what i have just said. you won't understand it unless you're personally involved or knew our little well hidden story.

i saw them. i was a bit surprised because i did not expect to see them there. it's weird and ironic. Coz exactly a year ago, on january 11, 2007, i was out on a date with albert. and now. 365 days later, it seemed that i went out on a date with his ex flame.

nah. i didn't see her. i just saw her friends. but it's the same because i had spent all two years of my relationship with albert looking at his ex's photos. of course, i've seen her friends thru their photos. so there can be no mistaking. they are it.

i saw the skinny one with long hair and the plump one with short hair and nice skin.

hehe.

idiotic jeiz. i shouldn't have memmorized their faces.